Where Do I Begin?

While I was in the process of adopting my daughter, I began blogging. It proved therapeutic and a wonderful outlet for me. Well, a new chapter in my life has now begun, and I am feeling the "need" to blog to help get out my feelings and emotions. This blog may have stories of the past or present or emotions that I am feeling. It will be my place to "go" - to remember, to share, and cry at times. Sometimes, I may seek advice, other times, I may just want to share.

For sometime now, we had felt that something wasn't quite right with my mother. We had our suspicions and ideas of things that it might be. We wanted answers and went searching for them. On Monday, October 12, 2009, my step-father and I met with her regular doctor and shared our concerns. It was then that our worst fears were confirmed. We were told that mom was in the early stages of dementia. We had suspected it- but had hoped that it was something else. Now it was something real and we had to deal with it and come to terms with it. The doctor loaned us a book to read called "The 36-Hour Day". I let my step-dad take it and I ordered it on-line as well as another book. Many emotions are running and have been running through my head the past several days. I had hoped that it would be something that we could "fix"- we can't. I thought that it was something that would happen to others families. It has happened to ours. We must deal with it. Our worst fears are now our reality. It is a reality that I do not want to face- but I must.

How am I feeling? Raw. Tears are never far from my eyes and the lump is never far from my throat. I find that I have to fight back the tears as I drive down the road. On Tuesday morning, I let the tears flow in the shower and cried out to God. I feel as if I am mourning someone who isn't dead yet. I am mourning the loss of the person that my mom used to be - and that I was somehow hoping that she would be again. I have a feeling that by the time that everything is all said and done, I will have done most of my mourning in this part of the process. By the time we reach the end of the journey, most of my tears will have already been shed. I don't know that for sure, but that's how I feel that it may be. I find myself remembering special times with her- going to eat at Spinnaker's restaurant at the mall when I was in high school and chatting over warm flower pot bread and honey butter. A mother/daughter trip to the Outer Banks that I took her on several years ago- and eating at Finz Grill on the Beaufort Waterfront. It happened to be Father's Day and we spent some time reminiscing about my dad. I could go on and probably will in posts to come. I find myself wishing that she had been able to be more a part of Abbie's adoption- shopping for her, sharing parenting stories, etc. I wish that I could go to her for advice in parenting and I can't. I long for Abbie to have the relationship with her that I had with my own grandmother- my mom's mom. She doesn't and never will.

What I am thankful for? Jesus- because I am clinging to Him. He will see us through this chapter of our lives. My daughter because she is such a ray of sunshine on the cloudiest of days. My friends- Janie made me cry on Monday night as I told her about things and she said that she would be here for me- and at the end of the conversation she said that she would always be here. Andrea- We drifted a part for a time- but I think that I can safely say that our friendship is stronger than ever. She told me last night that whenever I needed to talk, she was just a phone call away. Polly- She has walked this road too- so she knows what I am facing. Angie- She is just always there- and can make me laugh at myself! I know that there are others and will be others, but these are the standouts right now. Despite all this- and the fact that I have my step-dad, I still feel very much all alone in this. After all, I am my mom's only child. This is MY mother that we are talking about.

What am I fearful of? The future. Plain and Simple. We don't know how long this journey will be or how bad things will get. The thought of my mother loosing her dignity and pride bothers me to no end. How will I get through the upcoming Holidays and smile for the camera and make memories while we still can- all with a lump in my throat? I don't know. I like concrete answers. I like things in black and white. Dementia is full of shades of gray. As bad as it sounds, I have found myself wishing it were cancer because if it were cancer, there would be treatment plans, a prognosis etc. I feel that we have none of that with dementia. My step-dad and I both are going to educate ourselves so we can go back to mom's doctor and ask more questions and maybe ask for some tests in hopes that things will be less "gray".

What keeps me going? My faith and my daughter!!!

Well, I already feel better for having done this first post. By the Grace of God, we will get through this.

Love,
Karen